this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
