When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
