I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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