my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
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Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
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Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize