I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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