She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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