I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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