I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
