Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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