a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
