I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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