What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
