I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
