Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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