If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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