My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
