im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Green mimosas i think yes
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
