hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
