He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
