I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
