just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
