At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
