i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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