He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
