Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
only you would photoshop your dick
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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