Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
