he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
