How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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