Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
