TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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