Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
