This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
