You're my little dorito
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
