Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
