We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
