1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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