ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
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You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
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Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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