I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
