I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
