Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
