Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
