Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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