My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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