When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
