Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
