apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
