I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
