we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
