If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
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I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
false alarm, still single
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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