she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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