I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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