Your face is a jimmy john
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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