I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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