could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
