he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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