Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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