I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
