Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He shit in the fireplace
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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