I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
