you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
